Thursday, January 14, 2016

This week. *sigh*

2016 is turning out to be the year of hard knocks for everyone, huh?

First David Bowie.

Then 99.999999999999999999999999% of us DIDN'T win the Powerball.

And now Alan Rickman. Unlike Bowie, who I respect but have no real attachment to - Alan Rickman is someone I really, really admired and loved. I enjoyed his acting before Harry Potter, and then he was cast as Snape - the Head of Slytherin house. The head of my house. And I'll be if he didn't nail every performance on the head.

On top of that, and on note that doesn't include the rest of the world, I'm reading Changes (Dresden Files) and...well the changes are too much for me. Harry (main character) is making insanely wild and out there decisions (even for him) and I'm having trouble coping with the possible ramifications from them. I know, I know, it's just a book, he's a fictional character...yada yada. But I'm worried for this character's soul. Even my escape world is being cruddy to me right now.

I'm also reading the Walking Dead Compendium 3, and Rick's gang is totally stuck in it right now. Wonderful on that end too.


In real life, the week got a bit turned on it's head for me. I haven't been home since about 5:45 on Tuesday morning and won't be until late tomorrow - Friday - night. It's entirely my own fault for how I planned out my evenings this week, and even though I've gotten to spend a lot more time with Cam, I'm a bit exhausted by it all. It's not the same when you don't go home to your own stuff for nights and nights on end. It's making me long for #4 on this list just a bit more.

Ahh, the life of the young and carefree!

I'm 100% joking. It's not really very fun - but that's a discussion for another day.

And to add to the not-so-awesomeness of this week (because you need more of a mopey, suck-fest post from me), I've also noticed that my depression has decided to peak for the season. I swear it happens every year between about January and March, and it always takes me a little while to recognize it. It likes to manifest itself in anger an apathy, so...wooooo to that. I feel like I'm expending a stupid amount of energy trying to regulate my emotions to a reasonable level at the moment.

Actually, this is a fitting topic. The other day I was registering with my insurance company's get-healthy program thing (which you have to do if you want the $300 in rewards you get for being healthy) I had to answer a litany of survey questions as part of the "What's your real age" thing.

**If you're wondering: 27. They told me I'm one WHOLE year younger than fer realz. Or, you know, like 4 weeks younger. Yippee.**

Anyways, this was one of the questions, and it made me want to throw my keyboard at my computer screen:


First of all, the question "Have you ever had depression?" is ridiculous.

The answers make it worse. "Yes, currently" and "I used to"?!??!?!??!??!?!

WTF HEALTH FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As someone who actually has depression and gets to struggle with the mentality it creates day in and day out, this made me livid. Depression doesn't just come and go. It doesn't pop in one day and out the next - NO. That is what it's like to feel sad about something. Depression and "feeling sad" are most certainly not the same thing. You don't get the luxury of being able to say "I used to" have depression. Or "I'm currently depressed". It's a fluid state of existence. It's always there...and sometimes it's worse than other times, and sometimes it doesn't feel quite as bad, but it's always there.

Today is a good example. Today I feel really sad because of Alan Rickman. But the feelings from my depression are mostly separate from that sadness. Sadness touches on my depression, but the depression has me feeling distant and lethargic and moderately apathetic about my "real life". But I do actually feel sad about something.

This question was so poorly phrased that I actually took the survey just so I could tell the company what an insensitive and uneducated question that is to ask especially for a health company. I think I ended it by saying they should be embarrassed. Because they should be.


/endrant (thanks for reading)

On a much happier note: I am keeping strong with my workouts (even if I have been eating crap the last few days), and that seems to be helping a bit. I'm making sure to fit them in, and I feel better about myself for that.

But you'll get to read all about that in a few I won't spoil the surprise here (spoiler alert: there's no real surprise).

And with all that said...I am signing off for the day. I apologize for my boring and mopey post, but I truly felt the need to mark today...because not all days are good or great. Not all days have some fantastic adventure or some accomplishment to share.

Some days are just...days.

And some days are about endings. Today is a day like that, and I feel like it's an important ending to remember.


Currently Reading:
Changes (The Dresden Files #12) - Jim Butcher (audiobook)
The Walking Dead: Compendium 3 - Robert Kirkman, Charlie Adlard, Stefano Gaudiano (hard copy)

You can find me here on Goodreads!

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