Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Great Expectations

My apologies for the lack of posts (and their infrequency) lately. I've wanted to post pretty much every day this week, but I've been getting up even earlier than usual so I can work super-early overtime, and then after PT or workouts and dinner my heart is willing but my body is all like, "GO TO BED."

So yeah. I've had some 5:30am starts at work lately, which I'm not a fan of, but I suppose they're necessary to get all the work done, and a paycheck loaded with OT right before the holidays will be nice. Added to that, this weekend was fairly difficult for me. I was tired, busy, angry, and stressed. Great mix, huh?

I honestly feel like I'm in a bit of a slump. I just don't feel like myself.

I think it's a combination of things. The weather here has been pretty crappy (gray, cloudy, and rainy), and I feel like I haven't seen the sun in about a week. The fact that my PT feels a bit stalled (one step forward, one step back) is demoralizing too.

Also, politics is not helping. I found myself weirdly affected by what happened in Paris on Friday, and then Illinois' governor had to come out and give his schtick about not accepting refugees, and for me it was a reminder of Kayla, and a whole load of what the effballs is wrong with this world?! So much nonsensical violence by nutjobs, and then people I know who I thought were rational and non-judgmental immediately question, suspect, and reject those we should be helping...

Needless to say, Bruce Rauner got an angry (but in a polite way) phone call from me. And telling him I was ashamed that he's my governor, and that what he's doing is fear mongering did make me feel a little bit better...

Adding to the busy-ness, exactly a week ago I noticed that Nigel has this growth on his face. It's a little larger than a pea, about 1/2 inch in diameter, and a little less than an inch from his eye (kind of where you'd think a dog's temple would be). It worried us enough that we got him in for an appointment ASAP to have it tested. The two tests they did were to see if it was a benign histiocytoma (negative) or the doggy version of malignant skin cancer (also negative). Since both tests were negative he has to have the growth removed an biopsied. My mom originally scheduled the surgery for next Wednesday...but because it's Nigel and I'd fall over a cliff backwards for him (not to mention my anxiety when it comes to this dog), I rescheduled it to tomorrow, so we'll hopefully have the results before Thanksgiving. There's no way I want to wait two weeks to find out what this thing is.

So I'm going in late tomorrow, and may end up taking a half day, depending. We shall see.

But I digress a lot, because I did actually have a post planned before I got lost in that rambling.

To go along with my subdued mood this last week, I've been thinking a lot about people, and how they influence your confidence in yourself.

I'm gonna be kind of vague about the actual situation, but the truth is, this applies to more than one facet of my life right now. A few weeks ago I started a conversation with someone because I needed some insight and a bit of counsel. So I asked my questions, we had our back and forth, but I left the conversation feeling really unsatisfied.

If I'm being frank, I felt self-conscious, insecure, and an odd wave of melancholy came over me as well. My attitude about the topic was bordering on defeatist. Moreover, the conversation made me feel like I wasn't good enough for what I wanted and was willing to commit to. The questions and advice I received in response to my inquiries made me feel foolish - like I shouldn't take the steps and chances I'd felt ready to take moments before.

So I brooded for a bit. Like, it really affected me and I took a while to wonder what the eff I was thinking, how could I think I was good enough, etc etc.

And then I asked myself: Why did I reach out to this person? Do I really need their help, advice or input or am I looking for something else? Will this relationship benefit me or is it emotionally damaging?

Truth is - I absolutely do not need this person's advice. Most of the questions I asked had more comprehensive answers on Google, I just had to do a bit of digging and reading. I realized that what I sought was affirmation for wanting to achieve something, and I wanted it from someone who'd already done so. But my mistake was asking someone who not only had different standards, but also little tact in delivering their opinion. This person was from my past and someone I'd admired, in a way, even if they never gave any real, personal reason to be admirable. In fact, they've given me reasons in the past not to trust them! But they did that admirable thing, so...

The great thing was that after I realized how detrimental this person's attitude and advice might be, I suddenly realized how lucky I am to have the support of the people I do. There is definitely a time and place for someone to give you a reality check, but it should not come when you're just gearing up for things and testing the waters. If we never try things out, if someone stops us before we've even started, we never have the chance to see what we can truly accomplish.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, this person served as more of a roadblock than an on-ramp. At first I just stopped and stared at the roadblock, wondering how the hell I was supposed to finish what I'd started...

Then I realized my semi-truck sized will and stubbornness could plow right through that thing.

Before you can accomplish something, you must expect it of yourself.

And I expect great things.


x

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