Friday, August 28, 2015

Warning: May Contain Emotions

Hi all!

Sorry for being radio-silent this week. It's been busy and a bit exhausting, and I just need some me-time away from a computer.

And I'll just be blunt about this: It hasn't been an easy few weeks emotionally. Things could be easier. But they aren't, and I guess I have to deal with that. I mean, they're getting easier, but the last two weekends were kind of the pits.

I mentioned in my last post that "I just don't feel like doing anything."

A few years ago I didn't understand that this is one of the cardinal signs of depression. Lethargy, sleeping a lot, the absolute lack of desire to do anything, and not finding joy in things you normally do...depression at it's finest!

I don't think I've mentioned it here but I was diagnosed (like for real) with moderate depression a few years ago. There were a few options offered to me, one of which was medication, but I declined because I wanted to see if I could manage my symptoms in other ways. "Diet and exercise" can help - and have - but it's not a cure all. I've actually had to spend a lot of time training my brain to think differently and to 'overcome', if you will, thought patterns conditioned by depression.

I don't want to bore you with the details, but another check-box symptom of depression is all-or-nothing thinking. I can give you a very simplistic example: I have a To Do list with 15 items on it. I get 10 done. I feel like a worthless POS because I didn't get all 15 things on the list, plus 5 extraneous things done.

(PS: Welcome to my senior year of college.)

I'm not surprised that I reacted to everything from the last few weeks the way I did...I've basically felt hopeless about the bad situations presented to me, so it's no wonder that my brain just wanted to power down for a bit. And I decided to let it.

I woke up at 5:45 on Saturday because I had a lot to do - I had a 10 mile run scheduled, I had a chiropractor appointment, and I needed to call the vet ASAP to get Rico seen.

But when I got up my knee was bothering me just a little too much, and I was getting more worried about Rico (remember, I thought he had an abscess that was going to burst) so I decided to skip the run and try to get Rico an appointment as soon as I could...and that appointment ended up conflicting with my chiro appointment, so I rescheduled that too.

Sidenote: I am busy. Every appointment I've made in the last month (eye doctor, chiro, massage...everything but the dentist!) has ended up being rescheduled, sometimes multiple times. Meetings at work, animals, other appointment's all messing with my schedule. I finally just rescheduled my eye exam for October because there's no way I can fit it in in September with all the stuff I'm doing (the half, our fall fundraisers at work, Nana and Papa visiting...)...I basically just said 'No!' to more stuff in September. know the long and short of what happened with Rico. I'd originally arranged to take him in early on Monday so they could check out the tumor and see if the could drain it and what made it way worse was that I had to call before they closed to change those plans and schedule an entirely different kind of appointment. It just sucked everything out of me to do that. And to make things more complicated, Cam and I had plans with friends Saturday night. I totally almost bailed (which he said he'd be okay with). Almost. But I decided in the end it would be 'good for me' to go and be around other people.

So I went. I ate dinner (thanks, Sarah!) and...I fell asleep on the couch. I was just mentally and emotionally too exhausted to actually interact with the people around me. And even though I was a bit mad and disappointed in myself, sometimes that is what needs to happen.

Cam and I were supposed to work out on Sunday too, but I told him I just wanted to get home and hang out with Rico while I could. I just wanted to be home. And Cam understood that.

So to my little dude...Goodbye. I missed you before I even had to let you go, and I'll never forget you.

And I'll forever remember your affinity for stealing my food.
The good news is, the weekend is almost here, and I'm getting out of my funk. Though I was busy at work this week, it was mostly because I had many more volunteer meetings than usual, and I think it's really good that that's what kept me busy. Seriously, the things that have lifted me up are PrideZ, the American Cancer Society, Habitat for Humanity, and knitting lessons. I love being involved, and I love helping. Those things make me feel amazing.

I also ended up doing a lot of yoga on Saturday and Sunday (and even throughout the week) to cope with all of this...which actually felt like a really great way to handle it. I put on a few Sarah Beth Yoga restoration videos and just settled in and let my mind focus on the physical aspects of what I was feeling rather than the emotional ones. It helped me calm down and escape from my brain for a little bit...and had the added benefit of easing some of the aches I've had lately.

I've actually been trying to fit yoga in more often, even if it's just for a 'good morning' stretch before work. It helps focus my mind and set positive intentions for the day, even when my main goal is just to work out some stiffness. It's truly amazing what a little activity in the morning will do!

Okay so all the sad stuff aside, we got a taste of fall this week and I'm in love. The temps are supposed to spike again over the weekend and through next week, but I'm really hoping for a drop off again after that. I miss sweatshirts and sweatpants and snuggling into warm covers in a chilly room at the end of a long day.

On top of that - Nana and Papa (Cam's grandparents) got here from Idaho on Wednesday night. We all had dinner together yesterday, and I'm so looking forward to having them here the next few weeks. They're amazing, amazing people.

Before I go - I feel like I've been revelling in my pets this week. Just really enjoying them and the happiness they instill in me. So here they are. The pups (in honor of National Dog Day this past Wednesday) and Benjen, my little fighter, and another one of Rico, my little dude:

I'm hoping to do some running and workout updates before the weekend ends, so fingers crossed you'll see something from me again soon!


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